I'm crying because...

We all know the saying "Pick your battles".  But what happens when we pick the wrong battles to fight.  This happened last night.  By the time Charlie realized that he had picked the wrong battle, he was too far into it and had to finish it.  Nothing was gained.  No lesson was learned.  But we had to endure 30 minutes of crying and screaming.  It was clear to me early on that the crying and screaming was a tired tantrum and once she got wound up with the screaming, she physically couldn't stop.  I finally got her calmed down after about 30 minutes.  The main battle started because Charlie turned the hall light off.  But as she was calming down, in between gulps and cries, she had the funniest comments.  Such as...

I'm crying because I forgot to brush my teeth.  

      My response "Okay, good stall tactic but after you brush your teeth, the lights go back off."

I'm crying because my arm hurts.  

      My response "Okay, I don't remember you hitting your arm but I will kiss it."

I'm crying because my foot hurts.  

      My response "Oops, I just ran over your foot with the rocking chair.  Sorry about that."

I'm crying because Daddy hurt my feelings.  

      My response "Daddy loves you."  

I'm crying because I need water.  

     My response "Here is a sip of water."

I'm crying because Daddy won't leave my room.  

     My response "He will leave when you are ready to go to sleep."

And my favorite...

I'm crying because I need chocolate.  

     My response "No you don't."  But deep inside I was thinking, yeah, chocolate sounds good and it always helps.  :)

I'm just going to Zumba...

Today was a special night.  It was an ordinary night but Charlie was home for dinner!  Due to work and golf schedules, it has been several months since the 4 of us had dinner together.  It was nice.  After dinner we took a walk, Calvin in the stroller and Laci in the wagon.  We passed a minivan pulling out of a driveway with a little girl running behind, crying and trying to chase it.  The mom leaned out the window, shrugged at us and said "I'm just going to Zumba".  I smiled and said "I've been there.  We go through that all the time."  Charlie and I looked at each other and laughed because it is comforting to know that we aren't the only ones who go through drama when Mom leaves the house.

Last week, we were at the park with a neighbor and her girls.  I had to leave to go to a church meeting and Laci cried and screamed.  My neighbor laughed as she realized too that she isn't the only one to go through that scene.  I assured her that we have the drama all the time when I leave the house and told her it is nice to hear that I am not the only one!

Back to our walk tonight - Laci had put an umbrella in her wagon last week "just in case".  Tonight, it started sprinkling and raining on our walk.  Fortunately one of us was prepared!

Just Borrowing Her...

For Laci's first birthday, I wanted to write her something special.  I even left space in her baby book for my letter to her.  But the words weren't there yet.  The words didn't come until closer to her second birthday when I wrote the following.  Looking back, it's more about how motherhood has changed me rather than about who Laci is.  

So many of my expectations of being a mother have been exceeded and so many things have been surprises.  The chaos I expected.  It’s hard to remember the joy in the moments of chaos.  I love watching Laci experience new things and being so in awe of life.  I expected that and have looked forward to that “renewness” that comes with a child.  I love the simplicity of our life together.  I didn’t realize that I could be so content and happy with our boring little simple life.  We do the same things every day.  We don’t go to play groups or story time at the library.  We don’t go to concerts in the park or special events.  We play, watch TV, walk around the neighborhood, throw rocks in the pond and swing.  But it is truly a case of the “ordinary being extraordinary”. 

I have often heard people talk about the intense love for your child that you receive when they are born.  They describe it as indescribable and it can’t be felt until your child is born and placed in your arms.  They say that it’s not about you anymore and you learn how to live your life for someone else.  I never had that intense feeling.  At first I wondered why and I wondered if I was missing something.  Then I realized that it wasn’t a change for me because I have always loved Laci like that and always lived my life for her.  Every decision I have ever made has been in anticipation of her. 

I always expected a feeling of my child being “mine”.  I am surprised that I don’t feel like Laci is mine.  I look at her and I know that half of her DNA is mine and half of her DNA is Charlie’s.  But she is 100% all Laci.  I don’t feel like she belongs to me.  I don’t look at her and think “she is mine”.  I look at her and see God’s child.  Every night I rock her to sleep.  I know I shouldn’t but I need those ten minutes with her.  It’s for me as much as it is for her.  Charlie can teach her to fall asleep on her own when it is his turn to put her to bed.  As I rock her to sleep, I look at her and see God’s child.  My angel on earth.  We are two of God’s children rocking together.  I feel like I am just borrowing her from God.  He has given me the greatest gift to parent this child.  In a sense, I feel like her guide through life.  It’s my job to bring out the best in her, to give her the tools and confidence to get through life, to make her own decisions.  She is God’s and she belongs to the world.  I have been entrusted with her childhood.  That is an awesome responsibility.  I hope I don’t screw it up.  At 18, she is an adult.  I know that parenting doesn’t end at 18.  But I pray that at 18, she has the tools she needs and that she knows her parents are always there for her. 

When we rock at night, she puts her little arms around me, pats me on the back and hugs me.  She is my daughter and I am her mommy. 

I love hummus

I love hummus.  This is a new development for me.  I just realized my love for hummus a few weeks ago.  This is significant for several reasons.  For one, I was a picky eater as a child and I did not like my vegetables.  I ate what my mom said I had to.  Carrots and corn were as close as I got to vegetables.  But I am not sure if I can count them because they aren't a green vegetable. Slowly, as I grew up, my tastes began to change.  I am still a pretty simple eater but I eat my vegetables.  I even want to eat my vegetables.  I even like my vegetables.  My vegetables are pretty basic - green beans, peppers, broccoli, peas.  I still refuse to eat beans.  Laci does not eat her vegetables at all.  Charlie grew up where vegetables were a big deal and they couldn't leave the table until they ate them all.  I only had to try them.  He gets upset that she doesn't eat her vegetables and worries about her health and vitamins.  Our doctor said not to worry about vitamins because most foods are fortified now so kids plenty of vitamins.  I remind him that I didn't eat vegetables and somehow I survived my childhood.  

Hummus and carrots have become my morning snack.  Several years ago, I ate carrots every morning.  But then I became so sick of carrots and stopped eating them for awhile.  Hummus has brought carrots (a vegetable) back into my life.  If you had told me as a child how much I would like broccoli and peppers now, I would not have believed you.  If you had told me 5 years ago that I would love hummus (made of chickpeas!), I would have not believed you.  But I love hummus.If I love hummus, anything is possible.  I have faith that my children too will survive their childhood and maybe someday they will love hummus too. 

How will I deal with it?

How am I going to handle other children with my children?  I saw two people, independently, comment on facebook today something along the lines of how to deal with other kids "attacking" their kids.  For example hitting and name calling.  I am not very good at dealing with these situations.  Both made comments, jokingly or not, about "going after" the child.  There were also comments about reporting it to the school.  I understand the need to report it.  But I tend to have a more passive approach.  I would rather teach my child to deal with the situation.  I can't control how others raise their children and what they teach them / allow them to do.  I can't control other children.  I can teach my child how to deal with the situation.  This is beyond school.  This is about life.  But isn't school life?  I hope to teach my child about "sticks and stones" and not to fight fire with fire.  I don't want to rely on school to protect them.  Life isn't about protecting our children.  We can't protect our children from other children.  Life is about teaching our children. 

But my children are small.  I haven't had many instances yet to deal with this.  Occassionally, Laci will come home and tell me that so and so hit her at daycare and not on accident.  I usually tell her that I am sure he didn't mean it.  Or that he is just mean.  :)  I also remind Laci not to tattle and that these things happen.  I am never sure how to handle other parents and other kids at the park either.  It's easy to talk a big talk about tolerance and not "going after" others when it hasn't happened yet and about teaching my children about how to deal with other children.  But how am I going to handle these things when they actually happen.  How do I teach my children to deal with other children.  I want to raise children that become adults that know how to deal with other adults. 

7 Years

Sunday was our 7th anniversary.  This is how I know we have been married awhile and have young children.  We celebrated Saturday night because the kids both went to sleep early and who knows how Sunday night will go.  I got Charlie a card a few weeks ago but lost it.  He will get it when I find it again.  Our "anniversary dinner" on Sunday was soup and an egg salad sandwich from Target for Charlie and cheese & chips and carrots & hummus for me and a jelly sandwich and banana for Calvin.  Laci was at Awana.  It was very romantic.  We even lit a candle.  We then took a walk before it was time to pick Laci up.  The evening was cloudy but beautiful.  It was actually quite nice - an ordinary extraordinary moment. 

We take a picture every year as close to our anniversary as we can get.  Laci's birthday is this weekend so the year she was born, our "anniversary" picture was the night before she was born.  We went to the Purdue game Saturday and had our "anniversary" picture taken in front the engineering fountain.  That is a special spot for us because it is where we got engaged.  I have a 15 x 15 family photo album where each page is one year of our marriage.  Our anniversary picture is always at the top.  The first year, the album was just one page.  Now it is a legitimate album with many pages.  Vacations always get a separate page too.  It's my favorite scrapbook because our entire family history is in one book.  I love looking back and seeing the highlights of our year and watching our family grow.  Now I just need to find time to finish this years page...

A New Role

I have reached a new stage in life.  Soccer has always been in my life.  I started playing soccer in 2nd grade and played throughout high school.  When I graduated college and in the "real world", I started coaching in a youth league.  I coached for 9 years.  I also started playing in a women's league and played until I was pregnant with Calvin.  I may go back to playing again when the kids are older but right now I need a break and I need to spend my Sunday evenings with my kids.  

Saturday, I reached a new milestone.  I became an official Soccer Mom.  Laci had her first day of soccer.  It is a small church league near our house.  Friday night, I got out all her soccer gear and we tried it all on.  Then out to the front yard for some practice.  She was wearing her Disney flannel pajamas which is about all she wears these days at home.  She even has a Disney princess soccer ball. 

Saturday morning, she kept repeating "I'm dying to go to soccer practice."  I was excited too.  The whole event was pretty funny.  It's just bunch ball and the kids running around after the ball.  They "practiced" for 30 minutes and then played the other team for 30 minutes.  During the practice, I kept gringing as I saw the kids all kick the ball with their toes.  Laci and I may have a little practice on how to kick the ball later.  :)  She ran off to the side a few times for water.  Laci volunteered to sit out the first quarter and spent the whole time asking me for snacks.  Then she played goalie and complained she was cold.  We told her to do jumping jacks and push ups.  She played the 3rd quarter but asked to sit out the 4th quarter because she needed a break.  She did go back in for a few minutes.  Charlie and I were mortified!  We would have never asked to sit out!  We kept telling her that there are no snacks in soccer but after the game when they all got their snack, she was quick to point out that she was right - there are snacks in soccer.  It was her first time having a fruit roll up and she declared it her new favorite food - next to cookies and ice cream.  I can't wait to see how next week goes and I am sure she can't wait to see what the snack is.  :)