A look into other people's lives...

I had another moment recently when I was reminded that things aren't always as they seem and we really don't know what is going on with other people's lives.  I was talking to a friend about stuff.  I am not going to get into the specifics about what we were talking about because it doesn't matter. But based on the few things she said (or didn't say) my opinion of one of her decisions changed.  I don't know what goes on in her life but I had trouble understanding what she was doing.  After talking to her and hearing how she was saying it, I understood that we all react to situations differently and we all have different stuff going on.  Her decision wouldn't work for me but is necessary for her.  Not to sound cliche, until we have walked in their shoes, we just don't know...  Sometimes I just need the reminder.

Time to Re-evaluate and Remember

A coworker of mine recently decided to go to part time.  She has an infant son and said she wants to spend more time with him and that she just felt ragged and couldn't do it all.

 

I totally realize that this decision of hers has absolutely nothing to do with me and my mothering.  But I immediately felt horrible.  I am constantly plagued with guilt.  Guilt that I am a working mother.  Guilt that I don't feel guilty for being a working mother.  I felt horrible.  Why?  Do people think I don't enjoy spending time with my kids? 

So I agonized over this.  Did I not spend enough time with my kids when they were babies?  Here is what I remembered after re-evaluating their first few years.  

I never felt ragged those first few years.  That was the simpliest and easiest time for me.  And I am fortunate enough to have known that and appreciated it.  I gave everything up but my job.  My life was so simple.  I went to work, came home and was with Laci.  I didn't run errands.  I didn't go out with friends.  I didn't coach or play soccer anymore.  I wasn't in any church groups.  I don't regret any of it.  I knew at the time that those things weren't important and in time, they would come back.  I remember watching Jeopardy at 7:30 after she went to bed and I knew that those days wouldn't last.  She would eventually stay awake past 7:30 and my "free evenings" would be over.  We're at that point now but it's the way it should be.  I haven't watched Jeopardy in 4 years.  

 

I remember when she was about 2 years old thinking about how simple our life was.  Work and play with Laci.  That was it.  Spring and warm weather was the best.  We would come home and go for a walk or to the park or pond or just play outside.  I remember journaling about how boring our life was.  We didn't go on play dates.  We didn't go to fairs or the children's museum.  We didn't do a lot of expensive activities.  We were just together.  Charlie usually didn't come home until later so it was just the two of us.  It was just perfect. 

 

Then Calvin came along and Laci got a little older.  We still have a very simple life.  There are a lot of times in the winter when we are all in our jammies at 7:30 chilling out.  Charlie is still gone a lot and it is just the three of us now.  In the summer we are outside nearly every evening.  I love that our neighborhood is full of kids and we can all just play outside or go to the pool.   Laci loves to go outside and just waits until someone comes out to play.  It's so hard in the winter to have playdates and she is struggling being cooped up..

 

Now we are a little busier but not too much.  The kids are gone so much, I don't want to overwhelm them.  I try to have a lot of home time to just play.  She has girl scouts twice a month and ballet once a week.  We are fortunate that the school offers several things at school when she is normally in afterschool care.  This month she has tennis twice a week and is done before I pick her up.  I am going to wait another year or so before getting Calvin involved in anything.  He is pretty socialized from daycare and doesn't need any more instruction.

 

My life is still pretty simple.  I have slowly added a little "me" time.  I run at lunch and know that without a lunchtime gym, running wouldn't be a priority.  I am grateful.  Charlie and I are in a small group at church that meets twice a month.  The focus is families and marriage.  I am in a book club that meets once a month.  Like most women's book clubs, we discuss the book for a few minutes and then just chat.  Between kids, I played soccer again for a few seasons.  I would like to go back to playing soccer again someday.  We don't have any sitters or family nearby so we do it all.  Last week at book club, one of the ladies commented about how ragged she felt.  She has a 6 month old and a 3 year old and is still adjusting to life with two kids.  She said it is hard to balance work, kids and a social life.  I realized that it is the social life that I cut out.  I know how fortunate I am to be able to balance work and kids and have a very simple life.  I know how fortunate I am to not feel ragged.  I know that the best thing I did was simplify my life and cut out the unnecessary.

 

So the answer to the question "Did I do enough when the kids were babies?  Do I do enough now?" is Yes.  Yes I do.  My kids are my priority and they know it.  I don't feel jealous or bad but I feel very grateful and fortunate.  

Moms don't get sick... Do they?

Oh yes they do!  Last Sunday morning, I woke up feeling cruddy and sick as can be.  I got myself onto the couch when Calvin came in at 6 am.  By 9 am I was feeling a bit better and figured I could make it to church.  I was wrong.  Halfway through the service I was regretting having come.  But the sermon and the service was wonderful and really hit me so I knew I was supposed to have come.  By the time we got into the car, I was in pretty bad shape.  Very nauseous.  Charlie picked up lunch for him and the kids and we went home.  I immediately went to bed - or the floor.  When I don't feel well, I prefer laying on the floor then on a bed.  I am not sure why.  And that is where I spent the rest of the day - floors, beds, couches.  If I was laying down, I would feel a little bit better but 5 minutes after I would try to sit up or stand and I was ready to pass out again.  It's funny because the kids were running in and out of my room and I found myself watching Disney - whether they were with me or not!  :) But there is nothing else on Sunday afternoons.  

But Charlie was wonderful on Sunday.  I don't know how I would have gotten through the day without his help.  He fed the kids.  Laci fell off her chair at lunch and took a faceplant on the floor, chocolate milk going everywhere.  He cleaned it all up.  He even took the kids Trunk or Treating at church in the afternoon.  I was so sad that I couldn't take them but I was so glad he did.  He helped them with dinner and gave Calvin his bath.  That was quite a challenge because Calvin was having a giant tantrum at that point.  I am so thankful for his help Sunday.  By 8 pm, I was starting to feel a little bit better and was optimistic I could go to work on Monday.

Laci was so sweet too.  She spent a lot of the day laying in bed with me too.  Her face and neck still hurt from her fall.  She still has a bruise on her face.  She would come over and give me a kiss on the cheek and ask me how I felt.  I told her that I didn't feel good but I would be okay.  She said "That is how I felt when I had the lice."  Not exactly the same thing but she tried.  I told her that we made it through that and we will make it though this.  Monday afternoon when I picked her up from school, the first thing she asked was "How are you feeling Mom.  Was work okay today?"  She is growing up into the sweetest, loveliest little lady.  I'm so proud of her and my family for helping me and taking care of it when I needed it!

Sometimes you don't know how good you have it...

My neighbor has just gone back to work.  She has been a stay at home mom for almost 6 years.  She and her husband own a business and they are now both working there together.  I was asking her how that was going.  Being a working mom is all I know but I imagine there is a bit of transition in going back to work.  She is working three 12 hour shifts a week and her husband is staying home with the kids while she works and vice versa.  I think that doing that and having 4 full days home with the kids would be easier than having to jump into 5 days a week.  We were talking about housework and if Charlie helps or not.  I told her about our system.  As I told her about our system, I realized that it's not bad.  We clean the house on Sunday.  Charlie does the floors, toilets, trash and yardwork.  I do the kitchen, family room and laundry.  During the week, I cook dinner and he does the dishes.  Not much else cleaning wise happens.  Sunday afternoon the house looks great.  By Friday, it's a disaster pit.  This past Friday it was so bad that I couldn't even find a clean spot on the counter without crumbs to fill out a form.  But Sunday afternoon, it was clean again.  She seemed impressed - mostly that Charlie does the dishes every day.  I reminded her that this was an evolution and not a transition.  We have been doing the two working parent thing a long time.  It's all we know.  But it reminded me that we have a good system.  

When I got home, I told Charlie about the conversation.  He was pretty proud of himself because it made him look good.  I was proud of him... and us too.  

Working Mom Pep Talk

Sometimes I have to give myself a Working Mom Pep Talk.  Being a Working Mom is hard.  I knew it would be and I was right.  As the kids get older, it is actually getting harder to be a Working Mom.  That was surprising.  But I am the worst kind of Working Mom there is.  I like being a Working Mom.  I would probably work even if I didn't "have to".  I don't feel guilty for being a Working Mom.  I feel guilty for not feeling guilty.  I was ready to go back to work.  I am a good Working Mom.

 

Don't get me wrong.  My kids are number 1.  They are ahead of my job.  They always come first.  But it's hard when I hear people talk about how much they don't want to be a working mom but have to be.  It's hard when I hear people talk about how hard it was to go back to work.  It was hard for me too.  But I never made a thing about it.  I just did it.  I couldn't put pictures of my kids in my cubicle for a year.  If I did, I would have stared at the pictures too much.  Even now, the pictures of my kids are on the side, away from my view.   I would still stare at them if they were right in front of me.  Sometimes I feel like I am being judged as being insensitive and an uncaring mom for being okay with working.  

 

My kids are good kids and they are not being hurt by having a Working Mom.  Sometimes I think they are better, stronger kids because of it.  But that may be an excuse to make myself feel better. 

 

So sometimes I just have to give myself the Working Mom Pep Talk.  I'm a good mom.  I'm a good Working Mom.  I love my kids as much if not more than any other mother out there.  And my kids know it.  That is what matters.  Not that I work.  Not whether I feel guilty or not about it.  That it's all about my kids... not me. 

Good Heavens Child - The terrible threes

We are in the midst of the dreaded "terrible threes".  Ugh. That boy is full of mischief.  He is starting to test us more and misbehave more.  When I picked him up yesterday, he was in time out for throwing a toy at a friend.  We had a long talk this morning about being nice to our friends and to not get into any time outs today.  We'll see how he does today.

 

But I will give him credit.  He does do what he is told occasionally.  The other day he was getting into trouble and I was holding him still on the love seat.  Laci said he had that "evil smile".  That smile that is full of mischief.  I told him if that he got off the couch, he better go straight into his room.  I was shocked when he wiggled off the couch and did in fact go to his room with his tail between his legs.  A few minutes later, he came back into my room with his pouty face and said "I'll be good."  And he was.  

 

A few weeks ago, we were at Charlie's family reunion and he was running around like a crazy 3 year old and getting in everyone's way.  I told him to get out of the way.  Sometimes I forget he listens to me.  A few minutes later, Laci and I started looked for him.  I panicked and looked outside.  He was outside in the corner of the entryway with a crowd of people around him.  I had forgotten I had told him to get away.  But he listened and he left.  Fortunately, people were looking for who he belonged to.  It was funny because the shirt he was wearing had a fake name tag on it and people didn't think he belonged to our reunion because he was wearing the wrong name tag!  I said, he belonged.  He's a Sprunger.  I thanked people for looking out for him and was reminded that mother's everywhere are always looking out for kids, even if they don't know them.

 

At the grocery last weekend, he ran away several times.  Laci is so funny because she used my phrases.  As we were walking around the store, she kept saying "Good heavens, child" - exactly the way I say it.  I had told him we could get new bubbles because we were out.  No bubbles for Calvin.  He started to behave so by the end of the shopping trip, he got a cookie.  Unfortunately, at the check out line, he ran away again.  Fortunately, Laci was fast enough to catch him before he got to the parking lot!  I wish I could have gotten that cookie back out of him! 

 

But he is a smooth kid too.  Wednesday night, he got into trouble and kept throwing a cup of water on Laci's friend.  I scolded him.  It's hard to scold him when he is wearing a Tinkerbell sundress.  This happened twice.  I picked him up and told him that I was disappointed because he was doing what he was told not to do.  He gave me a big hug and said "Does this hug make you happy?"  That boy knows exactly how to play me! 

My Elbow...

I never think about my elbow.  But my elbow fascinates Laci.  That little flap of skin that appears when I straighten my arm.  When we lay in bed and watch TV at night, she plays with that little flap.  It's like when people twirl their hair.  She plays with my elbow.  I have a scar on one elbow from when I was 4 years old and fell backwards off a picnic table onto a patio.  My elbow has history.  I feel like there should be a deep metaphor about the example I need to set because my daughter sees all of me, not just the parts I think about or know.  She sees all of me - my good parts and my faults.  My face that I show the world and my elbow that is never seen or looked at by anyone but her.  Maybe there is a deep metaphor and lesson in there.  Or maybe she just likes to play with that little flap of skin on my elbow.  

I saw a mouth....

I knew it was bound to happen.  After almost 9 months, I'm surprised it hadn't happened sooner.  Calvin gets his anti-seizure medicine, Keppra, twice a day in a liquid syringe.  Occassionally Laci takes allergy medicine at night.  And I have worked hard not to mix the two medicines with the wrong child.  Tonight, I put the Keppra in the syringe, a child walked in, I saw a mouth and popped the syringe in.  A second later, I realized it was LACI!  Whoops!  She sort of looked at me funny as I realized what I did.  "Spit it out... Spit it out!"  She spit it out and said she didn't swallow anything.  We hate the Keppra anyway and I already always worry about giving it to Calvin all the time.  She's twice the size of Calvin so hopefully any small amount wouldn't affect her (cause seizures).   But still... ugh....

Mom "dating"

I've lived here for 14 years now.  And I am still looking for that bff.  Making friends as an adult is so hard.  It's basically dating.  I have friends from church.  Friends from work.  Friends from bookclub. 

I feel like I am "asking them out" when I am asking them to get together.  What should we do?  Where should we go?  How do I ask so it doesn't sound like a date?  Do I follow up?  Do I wait for them to ask me to get together next?  Do I wait three days?   

I invited my neighbor to join the kids and me at a local concert at the park tonight.  I'm so glad I did.  Her daughter is Laci's bff right now.  They live 3 doors door and Laci and her daughter are the same age.  Her son is 9 months younger than Calvin so I see them being friends in the future too.  And we get along too when we are outside with the kids.  We had a nice time tonight.   I hope this is the start of a good friendship and more outings / get together with her and their family.  It's hard to make that first step and get to know someone.  But it's worth it. 

Be the person I want them to be.

Charlie and I both have a tendency to beat ourselves up sometimes.  And sometimes we forget that the kids are watching and listening.  The other day I got upset with Laci.  I said some things I shouldn't have and really regretted it.  Laci ran off to her bedroom crying.  I finally got her to sit on the steps with me and talk.  She starting beating herself up with the exact words I use when I get upset.  It broke my heart to hear her say that.  I asked her if she had heard me say those words.  I want her to own up to her behavior and learn from her mistakes but that night was just too much for a 5 year old to be feeling and saying.  It was just a reminder that they watch us and learn from us.  I need to keep that in the forefront - that I need to be the model for her and display the traits that I want her to have.  Be the kind of person I want her to be.

Dream vs Reality....

I had this beautiful image of waking up Mother's Day morning, sipping coffee on the deck with my kids.  Last Sunday, it was gray, rainy and cold.  This morning was beautiful so the three of us headed to the deck with our coffees, breakfast and jammies. 

Reality was not the same as my beautiful image.  I forgot about dew, freshly cut grass and wet bums from wet lawn chairs.  I forgot about trees and neighbors taking walks.  It turns out we aren't the only ones outside in our jammies!  The reality was grass and dirt over everything.

Fortunately, I was able to get over it quickly and enjoy my dirty kids dancing and playing soccer in the wet lawn full of grass clippings at 8:00 a.m.  They are now in the bathtub cleaning up.  Laci is making funny hairdos with Calvin's soapy hair.  Water, soap and grass clippings cover the bathroom floor.  Yep - that is better than my original Mother's Day image. 

Lessons from my Garage Sale

I had my first big garage sale this weekend.  This was the one with all the baby clothes.  Fortunately, I labelled all the boxed when I packed up the baby clothes.  I used diaper boxes for my basement looked like a diaper warehouse.  When I brought them upstairs, there were over 35 boxes!  Plus a few boxes from the guest room of things that hadn't been brought down yet.  

I kept the garage sale simple - 50 cents for each item, $1 for new with tags, 50 cents for books and toys (Laci got that money) and 25 cents for little items (bibs, socks, onesies).  i was able to borrow three 8' foot tables from a co-worker.  That helped so much but I could have used many more tables.  I still had a lot of boxes on the floor.  I laid the books, toys, misc. household stuff on blankets.

I learned a few lessons this weekend.

1.  Most people were looking for older kid stuff.  I think most people when they have their first baby want everything shiny and new.  Plus they get tons of stuff from their showers and excited first time grandparents.  By the time their kids are preschool, they are ready for all the garage sale clothes they can get.  Sizes 3, 4 and 5 were the most asked for stuff.  By noon Friday, I reorganized and put the bigger stuff on the table.  I didn't have as much of the bigger stuff because by the time Laci was 4, I started giving her stuff away more often to people we know with little girls.  Plus, later I found a box of size 3T that I was kicking myself for missing that I could have set out.

2.  But on the flip side, as soon as I would organize and box up the baby stuff, I would have someone come looking for newborn and infant clothes.  You just never know what people are looking for.

3.  Every time I saw someone hold up an outfit, all I saw was my baby wearing that. The memories attached to the clothes are so vivid.  I wasn't sad and it wasn't hard but I was shocked at how vividly I could remember every outfit and Laci and Calvin wearing them.  It was a strange feeling.  I mentioned that to Charlie and he said he couldn't remember any of the clothes.  That is the difference between a mom and a dad.  

4.  Friday is the best day for garage sales.  I had heard that was true but it doesn't make much sense.  Aren't people at work on Friday?  Wouldn't Saturday be better?  But that didn't seem to be the case.  I had my garage open from 8 - 3 on Friday and made $130.  I closed up shop on Saturday at noon and only made $40.  

5.  Garage sales are exhausting.  I was tied to the garage.  I don't think I went inside all day.  I was hoping for a quiet day to read my book (I'm behind for book club Friday) and didn't have a chance.  When the kids came home from school, they wanted to play outside all afternoon too.  

6.  Clean the kids closets before the garage sale!  What was I thinking.  Rookie mistake.  I cleaned Laci's closet on Sunday.  At this turn of season, I packed up another box for size 6 clothes and brought them into the basement.  I could have put all those clothes out!  Size 6s was a popular size.  I still need to clean out Calvin's but I am sure I will have to throw another box or two back into the basement.  

7.  Clean the garage and put everything out.  Charlie found two boxes of stuff in the garage just sitting there and he set that stuff out.  Most of it sold.  We even got rid of a box of stuff in the garage. 

8.  Use drop clothes and other unattractive blankets to lay things on.  I used a drop cloth on one side of the driveway for some items.  I used my favorite nice picnic blanket on the other side.  When I laid things on it, nobody noticed.  On Saturday, Calvin insisted on using it to eat his breakfast.  Then it laid there with just a few of his toys on it.  I had so many people ask about the blanket.  It's my favorite - not for sale! 

All and all, I am calling the garage sale a success.  I made $171 overall.  I gave Laci the money from the books and toys.  She made $6.50.  Most importantly, I only have 25 boxes in my basement of baby clothes.  That includes two bins of the special baby clothes that I am saving from my kids, a box of baby blankets and a box of my old baby clothes.  I also have a box of baby toys for next years sale ready.  

I don't think I will be making this an annual thing but I may do the baby clothes one or two more times to try to downsize before sending it all to Goodwill.  

Still my baby...

I blogged a couple of years ago about how when I visit a friend with a new baby - particulary their first, all the memories of my first baby (and second) come flooding back.  Recently a friend of mine had her first baby and I am going through all those memories again.  Every picture she posts I can remember my baby doing those same adorable things.  But now my kids are growing up, as the cliche goes... too quickly.

Calvin has a terrible cold right now.  His nose is running constantly.  He has a low fever and he is so mopey.  The worst is his cough.  It's so hard to hear him cough especially through the night.  I  know there is nothing I can really do to help him feel better.  He has to wait this out.  Saturday night he started coughing at about 10.  I tried to calm him down and get him back to sleep but the cough wouldn't stop. I finally just held him in my bed while I watched TV.  The memories of those beginning few weeks where I spent so much time just holding my babies.  Just holding them.  He fell right asleep and finally stopped coughing for awhile.  I help him for about half an hour. Just holding him.  I stared at him and saw his beautiful baby face.  He is right at the in-between phase of toddler to big boy.  But he will always be my baby.

Bye Bye Baby

I realize I am in another transition. From having a baby in the house to having only kids. It's a very strange time. I knew it would be difficult or strange but it is harder than I thought on me. I know several people expecting their first child right now and I can see the excitement and remember it so well. It's hard to believe that it was almost 6 years ago that I was going through that. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday. Other times it feels like a lifetime ago.

Memories are just flooding back as I think about the next year for first time parents. I try not to bombard them with my experience because I know that everyone experiences it differently and they want to find their own way. At least that is how I felt. I wanted to experience it all for myself and find my way through trial and error. As I look back, I can start to reflect on things I did right, things I did wrong and things that surprised me. I have said it before and I'll say it again, the first year of being a parent is like no other year in your child's life. It's the most special.

I know everyone's first year of parenthood is different. But mine was so great. I remember being in the middle of it and thinking that life will never be this easy again. I had heard horror stories of not knowing what to do with your baby when you first bring them home and those first few weeks. The first few weeks of Laci's life were great. She slept all the time the first few weeks. At night she ate and slept. I'm sure in reality it wasn't as easy as I remember it. But it was pretty easy.

I had images of the kind of mother I wanted to be. I wanted to be laid back, go with the flow. I wanted to be the "experienced" mother, not the first time mother. Of course that is not possible. I was a first time mother. Everything was new. I have heard the saying that goes something along the lines of "with the first child, you do everything perfect and wash the pacifier before giving it back to the baby. With the second child, you spit on it and wipe it off your shirt before giving it back, with the third child you just hand it back to the child after picking it up out of the mud." I didn't want to be that mother that needed everything perfect and pristine I wanted to be the mother that knew my child would be okay if things were not perfect and that I went with the flow. In some ways I was. In other ways I wasn't. I did return the pacifier back to Laci after dropping it on the flow with just wiping it on my shirt. We would say that we were "building strong kids". :) I always thought the opposite with Calvin. "If it was good enough for the first child, it is good enough for the second" and my standards didn't change.

When Laci was about 4 weeks old, my parents and brother were visiting. It was our first "bad night". I couldn't get her back to sleep. Charlie and I tried for hours. Laci cried for hours. It was as if she knew there were different people in the house and she didn't like it. Finally at 5:30 a.m., she fell asleep in the den in her bouncer. Charlie was on the floor and I was lying on the love seat in the den. I suggested going back to bed. I love his response. He said "No, this is a family moment. We will remember this night." We slept on the floor. And it is one of our favorite memories from her first year.

Weeks 6 - 8. My favorite baby book (it became my "baby bible") is Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. I am obsessed with baby's sleep after reading this book. I loved that they had a week by week, what to expect section. They said that weeks 6 - 8 are the worse. I agree with that. It also talked a lot about the "witching" hour from 5 - 7 in the evenings. I think almost every parent will tell you that that is the worst time of day. Some days it still is. Laci was horrible for those three weeks or so. I remember being at wits end during at time just counting down the minutes until Charlie would be home. It was rough. I would make dinner at 3:00 p.m. to be able to cook it at dinner time. But after week 8, she calmed down. I learned to deal with the "witching hours" better and things got into a routine. The other tip I learned in the book is that if a child is fussy and not sleeping well, they are tired. Put them to sleep earlier, not later. By the time Laci and Calvin were 3 or 4 months old, their bedtime went from 9 p.m. until 7 p.m. And they always slept 7pm - 7 am when they were babies. Calvin still goes to bed between 7:30 - 8. Last night at 7:30, he asked to go to bed. Our motto was good sleep promotes good sleep. If they weren't sleeping well, we put them down to bed earlier. I love the early bedtimes. It is hard to adjust life to being home for bedtime by 7 p.m. but it is totally worth it. And with the baby asleep by 7:00, Charlie and I still had the whole evening to ourselves. Life was good. I always made a point to remember that time because I knew it wouldn't last.

I also tried to be the "experienced" mother and live by the rule of "less is more". We had a small house at the time and I tried to use as little baby gear as possible. Anything that went into the house had to have at least 2 purposes and last more than 3 months. My sister was expecting her third child at the time and had that third child attitude. She needed and wanted nothing and it seemed strange to me. Now looking back, I understand. I thought I was getting by on the smallest amount of "stuff" but now realize that I had more than I needed. Besides a few basics, there really isn't much you need with a newborn.

One of the tips that I heard before baby that I ignored was to pre-cook meals and accept all help. I don't do well with help. I don't like frozen / premade meals. But that is just me and my personality. My mother in law came for a few days to help us settle in. After a day, she realized I didn't need help and went home. I would rather make dinner at 3:00 p.m. and cook it later. But that is just me. I am not good at letting people help me. One of my favorite stories from after having Calvin was that my parents came to visit for a few days. They stayed with Laci the second night I was in the hospital. Remember, I do not like help so I didn't think of it as help but as having my parents visit my kids. I came home from the hospital at noon and the first thing I did was make everyone lunch. For others, they may have expected their parents to help with lunch but that's not the way we work. :) With Calvin, I belonged to a small group at church and there were 4 or 5 people that brought dinner by. I loved showing off Calvin when they came by to drop off dinner.

Colds and teething were rough in Laci. When Laci had a cold or was teething, sleep was rough. We struggled. But we survived. I always thought she would have ear infections. She never had any ear infections. Calvin had enough for both kids.

My other secret sleep weapon: swaddling and the Miracle Blanket. We began swaddling Laci when she was 6 weeks old with a blanket called the "Miracle Blanket". I'll be honest that the reason I didn't use it before is because my mom got it for me and I tend to resist any help my mom gives me. This blanket literally changed our life. Laci slept great swaddled. She only woke up to sleep and eat and went right back to sleep. She looked like she was a burrito. But we swaddled until it was unsafe to keep swaddling her and she was waking up out of the swaddle. Other swaddling blankets did not work very well on my babies. They always got out of them. We praised the Miracle Blanket as the greatest thing since sliced bread and was sure that anyone who didn't love it wasn't doing it right. Until Calvin came along. He was a great sleeper - swaddled or unswaddled. We barely used the miracle blanket and we had no problems. Confirming once again that every child is different.

My other baby care secret is routine. I have said it before and I will say it again - Sleep, sleep, sleep!!! We had a routine and we would stick to it religiously! They go to daycare so the routine was often set by daycare. But it is so worth it. Just like bedtime, it was hard to adjust our schedule and our life around naptime. But it is so worth it. Our kids behavior and mood was always dictated by their sleep. Even now, if one of them gets cranky, Charlie threatens to put them to bed. Routine for sleep was critical for us that first year.

One thing that I was surprised to discover that I did not like was a baby monitor. I started with a fancy video monitor. It didn't work so I returned it and got a basic, simple monitor. I didn't realize that babies were so loud when they were asleep. I thought I would keep Laci in the pack and play in our room for months. After 6 weeks of not being able to sleep because of her grunts, I kicked her out into her room. I used the baby monitor but that defeated the purpose of kicking her out. I still couldn't sleep because of her grunting. So I turned the baby monitor off. I learned that babies are not dumb. If they need something, they will cry loud enough until we help them. The baby monitor disappeared. When we moved into our larger house, I thought that maybe I would need the baby monitor. Nope. Same theory still applies. If a baby needs something, they will be heard. I never liked the baby monitor and never plugged it back in.

Another thing that people always talked about was not having any time for themselves. Again, I found the opposite to be true. I picked up reading again. A lot of people watched TV while nursing. I read. In the middle of the night, I never turned on lights or the TV because I didn't want to fully wake up the baby. I think that was why they went right back to sleep. I did a lot of thinking and making lists in that quiet time (interesting fact - I could recite all past presidents). During the day, I read books while nursing. I was flying through books. Even when Calvin was born, I read while nursing. It was either that or watching Nick Jr. with Laci. I have continued the reading habit and read while I eat breakfast every day and even joined a book club.

I nursed both kids exclusively until they were 8 weeks old and then I weaned them so that I was nursing at home and giving them bottles during the day. To me, that was the best of both worlds. I didn't have the hassle of pumping at work, formula is great and they were also getting breastmilk. By 3 months, they both pretty much were done. I was fine with that. one thing that I never understood is why mother beat themselves if they can't nurse for a full year or more. Do the best you can. Your child will be fine. One thing that surprised me is that I was more nervous about my babies health the first two months when I was only nursing and not when I was pregnant. I don't know if it is because I didn't feel like I could screw them up as much when I was pregnant as when I was just nursing or what. I felt 100% responsible for her health when she was born, more than when I was pregnant. That surprised me.

Charlie and I started a great schedule with the kids that we continue now. I changed my hours to 7 - 4. This allowed me to go to work before the baby got up. This was ideal because I didn't want Laci to get in the habit of waking up at 6 am every day. She was conditioned to wake up at 7 even on the weekends. That means I get to sleep until 7 on the weekends. Whohoo! When I was nursing, I pumped a bottle when I woke up and Charlie brought it to daycare and they fed it to her there. Plus, I was able to pick her up at 4:30. With the early bedtime, that extra hour was so important to me.

Our routine in the afternoon was very boring for many years. I pick the kids up, we take a walk, eat dinner, bath, watch TV. Nothing too exciting. No playdates, no story time at the library. Our time when I was home was always just about me and the kids. I cherish that boring routine. Because I know that before long, it will fill up with activities, friends, homework and that simple time will be over. We are right now on the cusp of the simple time being over. I love our simple life.

Last night, I was walking around noting again to myself that toys and the kids have overtaken my house. It drives Charlie crazy. He hates it. I love it. Both bathtubs are filled with toys. Toys are in every nook and cranny of our house. This takes time. The first year is so easy to be neat. I'm glad we had the house for sale the first year. It would be impossible now! The first year the toys are small and still fit in one box. Then they just keep growing and growing and soon they are everywhere.

My biggest tip of all to new mothers is to do it together. My two best friends from high school were expecting their first child at the same time. Unfortunately, they live far away from me but we started a "new mommy" email club. We figured it out together. I learned so much from them and appreciated their advice so much. I think Charlie was annoyed at times because I had to run everything through them first. There is no way that I could have gotten through that first year (and subsequent 4 years) without them. We have been through a lot together.

So there is my first year as a parent in a nutshell. I loved every minute of it. I am looking forward to this next phase of life of life without a baby but I am going to miss it so much!

From one mother to another...

This morning was my turn to volunteer with child care at church.  I know our church is pretty disorganized with drop off and pick up between services and do to several factors, now is worse than usual.  Plus Laci is clingy and always wants to stay with me in the preschool room instead of going to her own sunday school class.  Anyway, there were lots of tears from her and somehow Calvin walked off with Charlie.  I assumed Charlie took Calvin to the 2 year old room.  That is where he always goes.

A little while later, everything had calmed down.  Laci ended up staying with me.  I was talking to one of the mothers who was dropping off her child in the preschool room and asked if she saw Calvin in the 2 year old room.  No.  He wasn't there.  That's strange.  Charlie always puts him in there.  I was sure he was with Charlie somewhere.  But where?  For a second I panicked that Calvin was sitting in the dining room by himself eating a donut - she said she hadn't seen him in there either.  What if Charlie didn't see him follow him out and he walked off by himself?  I was sure he was fine but what if?  After a while, I was still a little worried and thought about running into the sanctuary to make sure Charlie had him in there.  Why would Charlie take him in there?  A few minutes later, the mother popped her head back in the preschool room to tell me that she did see Calvin with Charlie in the sanctuary.  I was so glad she did that because deep down, I was a little worried.  It is a strange feeling when you really aren't sure where your child is.  She said she saw him and she thought she would want someone to reassure her if she wasn't quite sure.  I thought, only a mother would think to run out and reassure another mother!  But I'm glad she did.  :)

Yep - I'm that mother...

Some friends and I were talking recently about how we find ourselves using the phrase "I'm that mother" a lot.  As in, I'm that mother that allows her child to scream at the store.  Or I'm that mother who can't control their child at restaurants.  Or I'm that mother who bribes their child to be good.

When Laci was a baby, it was a pet peeve of mine to feel the down looks of those other mothers - mothers with older children or mothers with more than one child.  I always felt less of a mother because I only had an infant and they were so much wiser and experience.  I felt like they were looking down at me for those same reasons.

Well, now I am that mother.  I realize that I am not looking down on mothers of infants.  But it's more of a friendly nod.  Because I know that special secret of motherhood now.  It's a secret that I can not tell them but they will know soon enough.  I know a lot of people struggle with the change that having a newborn comes with.  But to be honest, Laci's first year of life as being a mother was the easiest.  Sometimes I wish I could go back to those easy days.  The routines.  We were so big on routines that first year and I think that is why it was easy for us.  And we were ready to make that big change of life.  But almost 5 years into, I do feel wiser.  I do feel like I have more experience.  I know that while every year brings challenges and is harder, every year keeps getting better and better as my kids grow up.

I am now that mother.  I am that mother that doesn't think anyone else can love their own children as much as I love mine.  I am that mother who doesn't think I can love my kids any more or be any more proud of them and then the next day, I do love them more.  I am that mother that knows she has a wonderful family and thanks God for them every morning and every night.  I am that mother that thinks her kids are geniuses and everything they say or do is the most wittiest, cleverest, smartest, funniest thing ever.  Or the flip side, I am that mother who wonders why nobody else seems to struggle with bedtimes.  I am that mother who wonders why nobody else seems to lose their temper with their children.  I am that mother who wonder how other children seem to behave at outings.

I now look at new mothers and I do feel like I know that special secret of motherhood.  But I can't tell them.  I think back to 5 years ago and wouldn't have believe anyone if they had told me. It's not really something you can put into words or share.  It's unique to everyone.  There is no right way or wrong to do things.  We're all just doing the best we can.  We are all doing what is best for our family.  I never knew how strong the bond was between mother and child.  And it grows stronger every day.  They are on a wonderful, exciting journey and they will figure it out themselves.  Their family will be as unique and wonderful as mine is with adventures, traditions and special moments and their own way of doing things.  And I am so happy and excited for new families.

Whoops - bad mother's intuition

Sometimes I guess wrong.  A few weeks ago, Laci had a hangnail on her thumb and it grew into a cut at her fingernail.  That should have been simple enough.  But she picks at things and it never healed.  Last weekend, I noticed that it was swollen around her thumb and didn't look too good.  My mom suggested asking a pharmacist what kind of ointment to use on it.  I never did.  The kids have check ups next week and I figured it could wait until then.  I asked Charlie to look at it a few times but he never did.  I continued to try to put antibacterial ointment on it but there was no cut or drainage.  It's just red and swollen.  Finally, Friday night he looked at her thumb.  His reaction was something along the lines of "Why haven't  you taken her to the doctor for that yet?!?!"  At this point, I noticed that her finger nail was started to come off at the base.  So Saturday morning I found myself at med check for a hangnail gone wrong.  Laci is now on an antibiotic and has an antibiotic cream.  I keep kicking myself saying this all started with a hangnail! 

Of course Laci loves the attention of a doctor or medicine and is thrilled that she got to the doctor and has not one, but two medicines! 

Mother's Day???

I know that it is wrong of me to think this way.  And I can't admit it to many people.  But I do not like Mother's Day.  It's too hookey for me.  As a mother, what are we celebrating?   I don't need to be celebrated as a mother.  That's who I am.  I can't imagine being or doing anything else.  I don't celebrate it.  It's like celebrating we are alive.  Oh wait, that is my birthday - which is in 2 weeks if anyone is counting.  The hallmark cards all say "... for all you do..."  Of course I do it all.  It's all I want to do and it isn't "all", it's my life.  It's nothing extra.  I don't want a "special" day. 

I had a great day.  Charlie did a lot the last few days and stayed home with Calvin a lot.  So I took both kids to Starbucks for Frappuchinos.  It's was Calvin's first trip there.  He still has a little to learn about Starbucks.  Laci loves our "coffee dates".  Then to Home Depot.  When we came home, Laci and Charlie went to play tennis.  Calvin and I took a walk and then went to watch.  Being at the tennis court with my family was perfect.  Laci still has a lot to learn about tennis but she is hitting it better and she loves it out there.  And by better, I mean she is hitting about 1 out of 5 instead of the 1 out of 10 she was doing last year.  Calvin loved chasing after the balls and running around the court, passing out water.  He was the ball boy.  I see a tennis racquet in his future - maybe for his birthday. 

I didn't do anything for my mother.  I feel really bad about that.  I forgot a card and didn't want to send an "empty" gift.  I called.  I said "Happy Mother's Day" but was too embarassed to say I forgot a card.  But she probably doesn't think like I do about Mother's Day being unnecessary and may feel forgotten.  Maybe my other three siblings stepped up. 

To me every day is Mothers Day.  Doing it all is my life and what I do.  I may complain sometimes but I wouldn't have it any other way.  But I will say this about Mother's Day.  I love getting a gift!  Even if it is a Starbucks card every year.  I don't want a day off or a weekend off or a few hours off.  I do enjoy a few minutes off every now and then and my kids (Charlie) know me well. 

Parents Night Out

Two weeks in a row, Charlie and I had dinner out... alone... just the two of us.

Last Saturday night, we did this crazy, radical thing called get a babysitter!  Laci loved it.  Part of the reason why I got a sitter was for her.  I remember when I used to babysit in high school, the kids were so excited when I came over.  Charlie and I went to a nice dinner than we saw "Hunger Games".  The only thing that wasn't nice about the evening is that we finished dinner early and went to the movie earlier than planned.  The evening felt a bit rushed.

Tonight, our daycare had a parents night out.  It was the first time they have done an event like this.at her school.  They played it up pretty well and Laci was so excited to go.  The kids were left there after school and could be picked up anytime until 10:00.  Charlie and I went to dinner and then ran a couple of errands.  It was nice.  We met for dinner early enough that we had time to linger, like the good old days.  Then we went to Sam's Club and Best Buy and ended up with a new TV!  The TV in our bedroom was cracking and popping.  We were starting to take bets as to what show we would be watching when it finally explodes. 

We picked Calvin up at school early at his bedtime, 7:30.  He was the first kid to leave.  I was surprised at how many kids were there - even little ones.  They were having a great time.  Laci asked if she could stay so I came home and told her that I will pick her up at 9:00.  I am curious how many kids will have left by 9:00.  10:00 seems pretty late for the little ones for me. 

All the "big kids" were playing in the sanctuary at the church - they had loud dance music on and the kids were doing and playing games and Twister.  Then I came home, read books with Calvin and put him to bed.  It was nice to have a few minutes of quiet time alone with him.  Then I cleaned the family room and did the dishes... Yes, I spent part of my Parents Night Out cleaning!  I love my priorities right now.  :)

I have an all day work meeting tomorrow.  I am sad that I will be missing the kids all day but very grateful that this is just a once a year meeting.

Stuck at 15

I think everyone in their own way has an age they are "stuck" at.  The age they will always think of themselves at.  Maybe it is your carefree and wild 20s.  For me, it is 15.  I think I will always have the insecurites and anxieties of a 15 year old girl.  I will always be 15 in my own head.  That is why sometimes I am so in awe when I look around at my life - my husband, my children, my house, my career.  I am a grown up - whether I feel like one or not.  

I still have those huge insecurities of how I look to others.  How am I perceived?  I have never felt like "the cool kid".  I have always felt a little bit off, a little bit on the outside.  I have gained a lot of confidence in myself in the last 20 years but sometimes those feelings of wanting to be "the cool kid" are still there.  For example, with Laci's friends mothers.  I want to be their friends.  I don't know why.  I only see them when I pick Laci up from school passing in the hallway or the occasional birthday party.  I had a playdate with one of Laci's school friends and her mom a few weeks ago.  I like this mom.  She is really nice, friendly and personable.  But I had myself all worked up about it.  It was worse than a first date!  Where we would meet, what time, who was invited, what would I wear.  Good grief.  But it went fine.  The girls got along well and the mom and I got along well.  I hope we can do it again this spring.  I love spring when we can have play dates at the park - so easy.  

One day last fall, the kids and I went for a walk.  We walked out of our house at the same time our neighbor and her kids were about to take a walk.  Suddenly I was 15 again and not sure how cool or uncool I was.  Do I invite them to walk with us?  Do we walk the other direction?  She had their dogs.  Maybe they were meeting up with someone else.  Maybe they had a mission.  I didn't want to be the annoying neighbor who pops up whenever they go outside.  So I tried to go the other way.  But Laci insisted on following and trying to catch up with them.  It was so awkward.  We were a few houses behind them the whole walk!  I was finally able to turn and we all ended up at the park together and the kids all played.  

Birthday parties are the worst.  I just want to be the cool parents that sit and chat.  Do I invite myself to talk to the other mothers.  Do I sit alone?  I usually do a bit of both.  I am not the friendliest or most outgoing person.  I try but it is hard.  The last party she was invited to I agonized over whether or not I should stay at the party.  At what age do kids just get dropped off?  The girls whose birthday it was for was just dropped off at Laci's party last fall.  Maybe the expectation was to just drop off.  I had no idea!  I told Laci that if other parents were staying, I would stay.  Otherwise, I was going to go.  It was about half and half.  So I stayed with two other parents.  Two other kids were just dropped off.  I worry about the goofiest things.  Laci was just invited to another party next month.  This is for the girl who I have labeled "the cool kid".  Her parents always seem so put together.  She and her sister show up every morning in the cutest, most coordinated outfits - usually complete with matching shoes or boots.  Their hair is perfectly curled and put up.  My children appear at school in the morning with clothes and shoes on.  That is usually a victory for me.  If their clothes match, it is just a bonus.  The stars have to align just right for their hair to be combed.  As soon as I got the invitation, I started worrying about what gift to give her.  I want to make sure we get a "cool" enough gift - nothing to babyish.  We have been to enough parties that I am starting to see what the kids are into.  I loved Laci's party because she got to try a lot of new things that she received as gifts that I may not have given her - like Barbies and craft kits.  So we will probably get her Barbies or craft kits.  I just hope it is "cool" enough.  More importantly, I hope that I just stop agonizing over these silly little details!  Laci doesn't care about this stuff at all.  She doesn't know there are "cool kids" and outcasts.  They are just all friends.  I have learned to be myself in so many aspects of my life.  I just hope friendships with other mothers is something else I can eventually get confidence in and just grow up a little bit!