The Longest Ride

I finished the Longest Ride by Nicholas Sparks this weekend.  I have to confess that I was supposed to have finished it by Friday for my book club discussion.  I was only about 3/4 of the way finished so I asked them to tell me the ending.  I won't give that away here.  I had read that the book was predictable but I never caught on and since I knew the ending, I am not sure I would have predicted it anyway.

But what our discussion on Friday centered around was Ira and Ruth's marriage and love story.  I have to admit, I enjoyed that part more than Luke and Sophia's.  I liked the story of Luke and Sophia as a novel but I couldn't relate to it much.  

But Ira and Ruth's story stuck with me a lot.  I loved that we saw their whole marriage and their whole life.  Not just the initial love affair that most books end with.  They had good times.  They had bad times.  But they made it through the bad times and things got better - better than they were before.  Isn't that what life is about?  The great love affair is not perfect. But that is what makes it great.  The tough times are what makes it perfect.  It reminded me a lot of the movie Up.  I love that movie.  I love that love story.  The Longest Ride talked about the sacrifices that Ira and Ruth made to be with each other. They gave up a lot.  Sometimes they regretted the sacrifices they made but they never regretted being with each other.  

One thing we discussed was that we all have good times and we all have bad times in our marriage.  Times of transition are typically the hardest.  But we always make it though.  I feel like I am in the middle of a difficult transition and things aren't perfect right now.  Some days they aren't even good.  But I am okay with that because I know and I believe in the greatness of my marriage.  I know that this is just a time of our life and not our entire life.  I love that when things are tough, there are glimmers of good.  There are glimmers of great.  There are glimmers of the love in my family and we are a great family.  These are the moments that make it worth while.  Sometimes I feel like society makes it too easy to quit.  Sometimes society paints the perfect love story and doesn't talk about the other stuff.  The love story is only the beginning.  It's what is built upon it that makes it great.  That's what makes it last.  I think what I loved about the Ira and Ruth story is that we say the entire story, not just the beginning.  Right now, that was exactly what I needed.  That's what I want for my marriage - the whole 70 years. 

A look into other people's lives...

I had another moment recently when I was reminded that things aren't always as they seem and we really don't know what is going on with other people's lives.  I was talking to a friend about stuff.  I am not going to get into the specifics about what we were talking about because it doesn't matter. But based on the few things she said (or didn't say) my opinion of one of her decisions changed.  I don't know what goes on in her life but I had trouble understanding what she was doing.  After talking to her and hearing how she was saying it, I understood that we all react to situations differently and we all have different stuff going on.  Her decision wouldn't work for me but is necessary for her.  Not to sound cliche, until we have walked in their shoes, we just don't know...  Sometimes I just need the reminder.

Taking Care of Each Other...

I feel like I used to be a fairly competent adult.  I bought my own house when I was 22 years old.  I took care of my car, my house, my lawn, etc.  I was financially independent and was good at it.  Then I got married.  Charlie took over the finances, the yard and the car.  I liked it that way.  I didn't realize how much I depend on him and his flexible job until now.  

Right now he is student teaching and this is the first time in our married life that he has a "job" that he needs to be at every day.  Suddenly, I am the one with the more flexible job.  He has to be at school at 7 am so drop off is now on me.  My "flexible" work hours are 7 - 4 but I shifted them to 7:30 - 4:30 for now.  A few weeks ago, I "crashed" my car.  It was pretty minor and "crashed" isn't the right word for it.  I ran into the snow pile in front of my house.  How horribly embarrassing.  But there is a big hole in my bumper now and I need to get it repaired.  Suddenly it all feel to me.  I got the car to the shop to get the estimate.  I reserved the rental car.  I dropped the car off this morning and got that the rental car.  It felt weird.  It occurred to me that it has been awhile since I have taken care of this type of task.  I felt all grown-up, like an adult.  It went fine and I knew how to do it.  I took care of things.  But it did point out to me how we depend on each other to take care of each other.

We don't know everyone's story...

Sometimes I need a reminder that we don't know everyone's story.  Today I was eating at Subway and a lady and three school aged girls came in.  I didn't really get a good look at the girls good as my back was to them.  The lady was on her phone and they were waiting for someone.  I smiled in my head as I heard the girls bicker because it sounded like every meal I have ever eaten out with my kids.  I understood (I thought) what the lady was going through.  As I left, she apologized for the girls and I told her I completely understood as I got through the same with my kids.  She quickly explained that she they are foster kids.  Suddenly what I overheard made more sense.  Earlier she explained to one girls that "they don't hit each other in this family" and as I was leaving, she was holding one and she was screaming "I want MY MOM!!!" and the other girls were saying "she is your mom today."  I got in my car and realized that I didn't understand at all what they were going through.  I don't know these girls story or anything about them or why they are not with their moms.  I cried all the way back to my office.  I cried for these girls that do not have their mom and I cried for this lady as she was trying to help them.  I wished I could do more but said a little prayer for them all.

Some embarrassing stories...

Here is another growing up issue I am working through with Laci these days.  Apparently, I am constantly embarrassing her.  Well, I'm her mother.  She needs to know that unfortunately, I will always embarrass her.  Sometimes just for my own amusement.  She is also getting very sassy and she is talking back to us a lot.  Whenever she tells me I am embarrassing her, I remind her that her being sassy and talking back to me around other people is very embarrassing to me.

But here is a funny story about them getting embarrassed now that they are a little older.  We stopped by her friend, John's house yesterday at about 6:30 to drop off girl scout cookies.  He was already in his pajamas and really embarrassed.  I tried to make him feel better by telling him that we were just going to go home, take baths and get in our jammies too.  Later that night, Laci said she was really embarrassed because I told him they were going to take baths.  I reminded her that I was just trying to make him feel less embarrassed too.  Oh the joys of growing up. 

Time to Re-evaluate and Remember

A coworker of mine recently decided to go to part time.  She has an infant son and said she wants to spend more time with him and that she just felt ragged and couldn't do it all.

 

I totally realize that this decision of hers has absolutely nothing to do with me and my mothering.  But I immediately felt horrible.  I am constantly plagued with guilt.  Guilt that I am a working mother.  Guilt that I don't feel guilty for being a working mother.  I felt horrible.  Why?  Do people think I don't enjoy spending time with my kids? 

So I agonized over this.  Did I not spend enough time with my kids when they were babies?  Here is what I remembered after re-evaluating their first few years.  

I never felt ragged those first few years.  That was the simpliest and easiest time for me.  And I am fortunate enough to have known that and appreciated it.  I gave everything up but my job.  My life was so simple.  I went to work, came home and was with Laci.  I didn't run errands.  I didn't go out with friends.  I didn't coach or play soccer anymore.  I wasn't in any church groups.  I don't regret any of it.  I knew at the time that those things weren't important and in time, they would come back.  I remember watching Jeopardy at 7:30 after she went to bed and I knew that those days wouldn't last.  She would eventually stay awake past 7:30 and my "free evenings" would be over.  We're at that point now but it's the way it should be.  I haven't watched Jeopardy in 4 years.  

 

I remember when she was about 2 years old thinking about how simple our life was.  Work and play with Laci.  That was it.  Spring and warm weather was the best.  We would come home and go for a walk or to the park or pond or just play outside.  I remember journaling about how boring our life was.  We didn't go on play dates.  We didn't go to fairs or the children's museum.  We didn't do a lot of expensive activities.  We were just together.  Charlie usually didn't come home until later so it was just the two of us.  It was just perfect. 

 

Then Calvin came along and Laci got a little older.  We still have a very simple life.  There are a lot of times in the winter when we are all in our jammies at 7:30 chilling out.  Charlie is still gone a lot and it is just the three of us now.  In the summer we are outside nearly every evening.  I love that our neighborhood is full of kids and we can all just play outside or go to the pool.   Laci loves to go outside and just waits until someone comes out to play.  It's so hard in the winter to have playdates and she is struggling being cooped up..

 

Now we are a little busier but not too much.  The kids are gone so much, I don't want to overwhelm them.  I try to have a lot of home time to just play.  She has girl scouts twice a month and ballet once a week.  We are fortunate that the school offers several things at school when she is normally in afterschool care.  This month she has tennis twice a week and is done before I pick her up.  I am going to wait another year or so before getting Calvin involved in anything.  He is pretty socialized from daycare and doesn't need any more instruction.

 

My life is still pretty simple.  I have slowly added a little "me" time.  I run at lunch and know that without a lunchtime gym, running wouldn't be a priority.  I am grateful.  Charlie and I are in a small group at church that meets twice a month.  The focus is families and marriage.  I am in a book club that meets once a month.  Like most women's book clubs, we discuss the book for a few minutes and then just chat.  Between kids, I played soccer again for a few seasons.  I would like to go back to playing soccer again someday.  We don't have any sitters or family nearby so we do it all.  Last week at book club, one of the ladies commented about how ragged she felt.  She has a 6 month old and a 3 year old and is still adjusting to life with two kids.  She said it is hard to balance work, kids and a social life.  I realized that it is the social life that I cut out.  I know how fortunate I am to be able to balance work and kids and have a very simple life.  I know how fortunate I am to not feel ragged.  I know that the best thing I did was simplify my life and cut out the unnecessary.

 

So the answer to the question "Did I do enough when the kids were babies?  Do I do enough now?" is Yes.  Yes I do.  My kids are my priority and they know it.  I don't feel jealous or bad but I feel very grateful and fortunate.  

Laci's Step Dad...

Laci obviously doesn't have a step-dad.  But we did have a discussion the other day on why she thinks she should call Charlie her step dad.  She knows that she grew and came out of my belly.  But apparently that is the extent of her knowledge.  She explained that because I created her and Daddy really had nothing to do with her, she should really call him her step dad.  At that moment at Steak N Shake, I really didn't want to get into the discussion of "where babies come from".  So I just agreed with her and took all the credit for her and Calvin.   Charlie clearly had nothing to do with it.  I was impressed with the one item that stumped her.  If Charlie had nothing to do with creating her, why does she look like him?  It really bugs her that people say she looks like him.  I mean, really... he's a boy and she's a girl!  But I loved that the fact that she resembles him and yet he had nothing to do with creating her really stumped her!