Wednesday, March 28, 2012

To be a fly on the wall...

I am starting to see some selfishness and maybe hypocrisy in my parenting.  I talk a good game - My main goal is raising children that become self sufficient adults, good members of society.  That sounds all well and good but harder to do.  I still know that I don't want to hold them back and I want them to grow and experience new things.  I want them to be independent.  But I realize that being independent means being away from me!  I am selfish in that regard.  I want to experience everything with my children.  I hate it when they get to do things and have experiences without me.  Last summer, Laci went on several field trips at school.  Some were small - the park, the movies but they also went to the county fair and the zoo!   She had a great time - without me.  At Thanksgiving, Laci went to the Children's Museum with my brother-in-law and cousins.  I was worried how she would do on an outing with them.  But mostly I was just jealous.  It killed me to be at work when I knew she was having fun and experiencing the museum without me.  My MIL has been asking to take Laci for a weekend or maybe just a day.  She asked again yesterday.  The pit in my stomach formed.  I first wondered why.  Why can't Laci go spend the day with her?  Then it hit me - it bothers me because I want to go too!  I want to be a part of all the special times and experiences she has.  But part of the specialness of spending the day with Grandma is not being with Mom.  I complain sometimes that Laci is too attached to me but maybe I am too attached to her.  Laci is excited to spend the day with Grandma next week.  She even checked with Calvin to make sure he was okay staying home.  He was. 

As she grows up, Laci is going to do lots of things without me - birthday parties, play dates, sleepovers, sporting events, weekends and then a week at Grandma's.  These are things she needs to experience without me.  I just wish I could see her do these things.  I wish I could just be a fly on the wall.

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