Tuesday, April 19, 2011

No worries

Just kidding.  A mother always worries.  As the child gets older, the worries change.  I worry if Laci is getting enough sleep (probably not), is she eating enough vegetables (definitely not), is she eating enough fruit (maybe), is she watching too much TV (probably), am I strict enough with her, does she obey enough, is she independent enough, is she polite enough, is she too attached to me (yes), etc.  The list can go on.  So I can't worry about these details.  There are just too many.  I am just going to keep her alive.  That was advice I got from a fellow mother years ago.  Well, I am obviously going to do more than that.  I want to raise her right, whatever that means.  That definition seems to change every day for me.  I'll worry about the big stuff now - she's learn to eat her vegetables later.

But Calvin... Calvin is a whole other set of worries.  Overall, Laci was always healthy.  But with Calvin we are in and out of the doctor's office.  He had jaundice when he was born.  He never needed a biliblanket but he had to be "sunned" and we had blood tests every week for a month until he was cleared of it.  He had a clogged eye duct.  Two appointments with a pediatric eye doctor and an ointment cleared that right up.  And then the ear infection started and never stopped... He's been on amoxicillin twice.  He didn't have any trouble with that but it doesn't clear up the infection.  So we are now onto stronger stuff.  It helps but it tears up his little bottom and digestive system.  Whenever the doctor says "antibiotic", I cringe.  I know he needs it to get rid of his infections but it makes me cry to see his little red bottom all the time.  And the dirty diapers... changing those also makes me cry a little bit too, but for a different reason.  I quickly count down the ten days he needs them.  I worry about too many antibiotics.  What are we doing to him by continuing to give them to him?  I talk to friends that go through this too and it reassures me.  It reminds me that he really does need these to get better.  Right now he almost has a clean bill of health, only eardrops.  
And the hearing.  Calvin is so little, we don't know what his hearing will be like or is like now.  The first time they told us he couldn't hear, we were both so shocked.  We hadn't expected it at all.  Who does?  I expected that he would need tubes.  I started talking to other parents with children with tubes and found out that the hearing loss due to the pressure build up is pretty common.  It is expected to be restored.  This reassured me.  Plus, he is so little, it's hard to say what his hearing really is like now.  He had his hearing retested last week.  The audiologist and Charlie came out of the hearing test looking discouraged.  But he is responding well to voices.  That improvement is apparent.  He didn't respond to the tones at all.  But he is 9 months old and babies get distracted easily.  It's hard to say if he heard it or not.  These other parents don't seem to be worried and act like tubes and the temporary hearing loss are no big deal.  I almost feel silly worrying about him so much.  So I am not going too.  Maybe I would worry more if I was in the hearing test with him and saw how he responded or didn't respond.  I think about my friends who have gone through so much and through so many struggles with their children.  They made it.  They have handled it.  They are dealing with it every day.  I can't worry about the what if's...  Not right now.  Calvin will have his hearing tested again in October.  We'll know more then.  Until then, I am going to enjoy his crawling, his laughing, his babbling, his smiling face, the way he pats my back when he is tired.  Charlie is worrying enough for both of us.  I have other things to worry about like if he is eating enough table food and if he is learning how to drink out of a sippy cup.  I have faith that he is will be fine and if there is something more, we will get through it.  I'll worry about it later.  Until then, all I can do is love him.  I just can't worry anymore.

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