Well, the apple thing that I thought was so cute the other day led to a complete breakdown last night. On my part. I completely lost it at dinner. I just wished for a day where my husband would be home for dinner. That is never going to happen on a regular basis so I need to quit wishing. My second wish is to be able to cook a dinner without Calvin on my hip or crying at my feet. Don't get me wrong. I like that he wants to be with me after being gone all day. Usually I am okay with him on my hip but one handed cooking is a bit challenging. Plus, we still have a lot of communication issues and there is a lot of screaming - sometimes by both of us. My third wish is to be able to eat dinner without most of it landing on the floor. Calvin is in-between sitting in a high chair or at the table in a booster seat. I would prefer the high chair a little longer because it is a little easier to contain the messes. He would prefer the table. Tuesday night, there were pears everywhere. Last night, Laci dumped her spaghetti everywhere. She is funny about her spaghetti because she decided that she wants ketchup and shredded cheese on it instead of spaghetti sauce. But she complained that the spaghetti didn't seem quite right. I reminded her it was because it had ketchup on it instead of spaghetti sauce. Fortunately, Laci was very helpful and helped clean up the spaghetti. She is growing up. I think she sensed I was about to lost it... Or by that point I may have already gone nuts. After dinner we went to play in the basement. The apple came with. I must admit that it was pretty cute how he pushed the apple around in the doll stroller and then put the apple in the doll high chair. I cringed a little when he tried to shoot a basket with the apple and the basketball rim was all sticky of apple. When he started to throw apple peel around the basement, I decided I had had enough of the apple. We all went upstairs and the apple went in the trash.
I just kept thinking why am I such a terrible mother? I thought I would be good at this but I have a breakdown from three nights alone with the kids. I'm terrible. How do other mothers do it? They are home all day with their kids and make it. Husbands travel. Mothers are home all night with their kids and make it. By Wednesday night, I'm struggling. This week has been harder than others - maybe it is the winter doldrums. But I keep reminding myself that the kids will grow up. There will be a day where I can make dinner without Calvin on my hip or screaming at my feet. There will be a day where the kids don't drop all of their dinner on the floor. There will be a day where Calvin can just eat an apple. I will miss this time - but I will not miss the sticky days and the screaming. As other mother tell me, it always continues. The challenges are just different.
On top of all that, I lost a pacifier. I don't know why but I am obsessed with knowing where the pacifiers are at all time. Maybe I associate my ability to keep track of pacifiers as being able to keep it together. Laci used a certain type of pacifier that could only be bought online. So I became paranoid about losing it. I always had a count of where they were. Calvin uses one that can be bought at the store so I have some "security" that I can always run to the store for a backup, if needed. Plus, by now, he isn't as dependent on them. We were down to two. As of Tuesday night, the count went to one. I know it is somewhere in the house. But this lost pacifier just nags at me.
Fortunately, Charlie came home early at 6:45 to find me near tears on the couch, Laci playing with her leappad and Calvin wandering around aimlessly with balls and toy phones. We got Calvin to bed and after Charlie ate dinner, we all played Uno, Laci's new favorite game. I finally found myself smiling again. We will make it.